For some reason I can’t remember, Jessie Oleson (of the fantastic blog Cakespy.com) and I decided to get together and absolutely destroy a few sweets using some of my favorite kitchen tools: the sous vide machine, the centrifuge, the rotor-stator homogenizer, the blowtorch, the vacuum chamber, and the blender.  I took photos of our mayhem and Jessie illustrated them and crafted a story in her signature style.  The result is… disturbing.  Without further ado, here is the Photo Story of the Misfit Pastries.

In a land not so far away, in the dark endcap displays of the grocery store, exists the land of misfit pastries.

These are the sad, stale, and typically on-sale sweets that have not been purchased, the unloved in a generally lovable section of the food pyramid.

Like shooting stars, their futures initially looked bright. But as someone (don’t ask me who, probably a lighting salesman) once said, "the brighter the light, the bigger the shadow". And here, we are going to delve into some of the bad things that can happen to fallen pastries.

Take here the hapless cookies, so festive and fresh a few days ago, which are now inspiring the ire of a rather dapper Watermelon. What will happen next in this scene? We cannot be sure, but one thing is certain: that Mr. Watermelonsworth is displeased, and his monocle and mustache should tell you that he means business.

…or see how cupcakes have fallen into an unfortunate series of events. sometimes we do senseless things when we are bored or just hungry. were these purposeful lures or simply a cupcake playdates gone bad? Nobody can be sure, but one thing’s certain, these poor Hostess cupcakes are never gonna be the same, and their friends are looking hungry.

…oh, and that happy hand pie, BFF with Mr. Unicorn? Looks like Mr. Unicorn sold his friend out to food abusers, and look what they did to him! It is proof that you never know who your friends are, and that the world is a bad, bad place.

…and what of the Cinnamon Roll who once greeted the day with high hopes of being made into a breakfast of champions? Now he’s been relegated to Accidental Smoothie, a stale, sad pile of carbohydrate crumbs.

…as for the scone, let’s just say it’s a blessing that he never saw the homogenizer coming.

…and what of the cookies? Those sweet flowers made of flour, butter, and love? With no parental supervision they got up to some mischief and found themselves in deep–literally–in the sous vide.

So, boys and girls, the next time you see those bags of lonely, aging treats at the convenience store, know that their Sell By clock is ticking down to a rather gruesome demise.  When you reach for the cake mix instead of the plastic-wrapped pocket pie, you’re turning your back on a helpless sweet.  And when you buy that glistening, fresh, handmade cupcake from the neighborhood bakery, you’re signing the death warrant of another misfit pastry.

Makes: 2 quarts
Total kitchen time: 30 minutes, plus churning time

Shopping list:

• 1.5 quarts purified water
• 4 tbsp. Mmmmango tea
• 3 tbsp. honey

1. In a medium saucepan, bring the water to a boil.  Remove from heat.
2. Distribute the loose tea among 4 tea bags or 2 tea infusers and place in the pot of water.  Let the tea steep for 25-30 minutes for maximum flavor.
3. Once the tea has steeped, remove the tea bags and stir in the honey.  Adjust to taste with more honey, if needed, until the mixture is just slightly sweet.
4. Refrigerate the tea mixture until cold, then churn using your ice cream maker’s instructions.
5. Top with a drizzle of honey before serving.

I’m a big fan of sneaking loose tea into recipes, especially deserts.  Do you have any favorite tea recipes?  Are there any tea creations you’d like to see?  If so, leave a comment below!

Makes: 1 prescription quart
Total kitchen time: 20 minutes plus freezing time

Shopping List:

• 6 blood oranges (you can cheat and buy blood orange juice – about 1.5 cups)
• 1 cup Muscat (dessert wine; you can drink the rest)
• 1/2 cup blue agave nectar
• 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped
• 1 tsp fresh ginger, finely grated
• 1 tbsp. vanilla almond tea (loose tea in an infuser, or about 4 tea bags)
• 1 tsp. lavender (in an infuser, or find lavender tea, about 2 bags)
• 2 cups water

1. Juice the blood oranges through a fine mesh screen to remove any pulp or seeds.  I used my potato ricer to get the oranges squozen.  
2. Combine the blood orange juice, Muscat, agave nectar, vanilla bean (including the pod) and ginger in a medium pot.  Bring the liquid just to a boil, then remove from heat.
3. Add the tea and lavender in an infuser or in loose tea bags.  Let the mixture steep for 10 minutes.  Remove and discard the tea.
4. Add the water and refrigerate the mixture overnight or until cold.  Then, freeze according to your ice cream maker’s instructions.

If you don’t have an ice cream maker, you can still-freeze this recipe in a large, shallow baking dish.  Pour in the mixture and put it in the coldest part of your freezer.  Every 20 minutes or so, scrape the sorbet with the tines of a fork to break up the ice crystals.  You’ll end up with more of a granita than a sorbet, but it will still be delicious.

This dessert is so good that you’ll make an “ooo” face when you eat it.  The silkiness of this gelato comes not from some mysterious culinary secret, but from the inclusion of lots and lots of fat.  There’s no two ways around it, folks: great ice cream is heavy (iced) cream.  I’m confident that your guests can look past your nutritional indiscretions for a rare treat like this.

Makes: 8 bowls of hazelnut heaven
Total kitchen time: 20 minutes plus freezing

Shopping list:

• 2 cups heavy whipping cream (get the best stuff you can find)
• 1 cup half and half
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 13 Oz. nutella hazelnut spread
• 1 personal trainer

1. In a large saucepan, combine the cream, half and half, and sugar.  Over medium heat, bring the mixture to 170°F.
2. Remove the mixture from the heat and add the nutella – yes, all of it.  Wisk together until well combined.
3. Refrigerate the mixture until it has chilled thoroughly, at least 6 hours.  Then, freeze according to your ice cream maker’s instructions.

That’s it.  No special magic, just a lot of tasty ingredients and a carefree attitude towards gravity.  Garnish with a dessert wafer, or serve with fresh raspberries.